This is Tabatha with another round of books for you. For no reason at all, this week’s theme is the end of the world! But what fun would it be if we just explained how it will happen (we at the Friday Fiction Feature do not condone spoilers), so instead we’re going to show you how to handle yourself properly at the end times, and more importantly, how to get a good laugh out of the apocalypse. So without further ado (because I have to save up my end-of-the-world jokes) I give you the laughable end of the world. _____________________________________________________________
We all know the apocalypse is coming, friendly people are always sitting around on street corners just to let us know and explain why. So it would be a silly waste of time to explain all that to you. Instead, I would like to start this Friday’s Feature with some handy pointers on what you should do when it comes, and what better place to start than with Etiquette for an Apocalypse? It’s the 2020 Apocalypse and Sophie Cohen, former social worker turned neighborly drug dealer, must keep her family alive amid those pesky end of the world issues: starvation, earthquakes, plagues, gang violence and alas more starvation.She investigates a serial killing and takes down the sinister emerging power structure while learning to use a pizza box solar oven, bond with her chickens and blast tin cans from the perimeter fence with a Ruger 9MM. In order to accomplish all this she must find a way to love her mother, accept her daughter’s adulthood and reignite her moribund marriage. She might discover that a decentralized, consensus driven life—without fossil fuels, iPhones and chocolate éclairs—isn’t the end of the world, after all.
Of course knowing the proper behavior for the apoclypse isn’t worth much if you can’t enjoy it. What is life after (everyone else’s) death good for if you can’t have a little fun? So to make sure you stay happy in your post-apocalyptic wasteland don’t forget to stock your underground bunker with Apocalypse How: Making the End Times the Best of Times. People have been predicting the end of the world since…well, the beginning of it. Oh, the form it takes may vary-firestorm, earthquake, plague, new ice age, alien invasion, nuclear cloud, or the rise of our machines-but everyone who survives will be starting over at Square One. Your needs won’t be that different from today’s: food, shelter, work, finances, relationships, 24-hour cable…. But you’ll have more raw materials to deal with. Apocalypse How is the humorous how-to-guide to living your best life possible (after the Apocalypse renders your current quality of life null and void.) Organized like a travel or lifestyle guide, the book tells you all you need to know in order to fend off zombies, forge for non-radioactive food, and make the most of your new dwelling (while ignoring the ash outline of its previous occupants on the far wall.)This handy volume includes such essential sections as: What to Expect When We’re Exploding Before We Blow: Your Essential To-Hoard List Should You Stay or Should You Flee? Questionnaire Sex, Love, and Dating: What if You Are the Last Man on Earth? The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Petty Tyrants The Apocalyptic Aptitude Test Apocalypse Howis guaranteed to be of use in the world to come. It also makes a handy defense weapon if thrown, and firestarter if needed.
Before we get into the more serious business of the possible variations of the end of the world, we thought it would be helpful for you all to visualize it in a more comforting context. As any film non-conusseour can tell you, nothing tagged “*The B-movie” can ever be scary, and so for your own well-being (yeah, of course…) we present next They Came And Ate Us: Armageddon II: The B-Movie. QUIVER AT! Horrible demonic stuff oozing out of computer screens! SHOCK HORROR! Elvis Presley pulling his face off! GASP AT! a talking brussels sprout! SEE! Cannibals on the rampage! HEAR! Fido the Dog do Frankie Howerd impressions! SEE! Rex Mundi, Rambo Bloodaxe, Deathblade Eric, Hugo Rune and a cast of millions caught up in Events Beyond Their Control! THRILL TO! all the loose ends from Armageddon the Musical magically tied up! WATCH! A comic genius doing the business! SEE?
Next, we have Mort, a story of an unlikely protagonist and his equally unexpected posse of apocalypse survivors because, well… I’m just a sucker for the phrase “post-apocalyptic buddy comedy.” Really, who wouldn’t be? A genetically modified food preservative mutates into a world-wide zombie plague, infecting humankind by the billions. As civilization collapses in a spectacular orgy of brain-eating destruction, overweight comic shop owner Mort Lesser must make his way out of his hometown of DuChamp before the local nuclear power plant goes critical. It’s no fun being fat when the streets are overrun by hordes of flesh-eating deadheads, but with the help of some new friends– foul-mouthed redneck Pete Bolin and sexy stunt car driver Zhao Dao-ming– Mort just might make it out of the city in one piece. Meanwhile, strange creatures stalk the inheritors of this blighted world. Are they mankind’s saviors, as their angelic appearances suggest, or something far more sinister? Both a post-apocalyptic buddy comedy and an extremely violent survival horror novel, Mort is one of the most unique and original zombie novels you’ll ever read!
If you thought Mort was an unlikely lead, just wait until you see the hero of Love, Death and Tea. A comic novel about love, courage and revolution at the end of the world. Just what do you do when the apocalypse happens … and you end up as a zombie and not one of the lantern-jawed heroes? I was not having a good apocalypse. When the world ends, we all expect to be one of the good guys – a gun-toting hero in a world of flesh-eating zombies and other assorted creatures of the night. But what if you find yourself on the wrong side? What if you become a zombie instead of a survivor, in a landscape of dragons, wizards and witches? When your girlfriend takes you on a mad quest to find a man who may or may not exist, while trying to evade a Government intent on grinding your bones into dust? That is what happened to me when normal life was suddenly switched off. I became an outcast, an outlaw and the unlikeliest hero of all. This is my story. I am dying to tell it to you. (Har de har har!)
Now, our loyal readers will know that we always try to write these features with your best interests at heart wanting nothing more than to keep you happy and ready for whatever comes next (of course that’s why…otherwise we’d just be odd people who keep gushing about monsters, ghosts, and the adventures of academics for no good reason. And that’s just silly. Obviously.) So for your edification we want to end our foray into the endtimes with the most practical tool you can have: a cookbook with Apocalypse Cakes: Recipes for the End. We are besieged with talk of crisis, meltdown, earthquakes, sink holes, global warming, bailouts, and more. Once you realize there’s not a whole lot of time left, grab a Bundt pan and whip up your own scrumptious Fallen Angel Food Cake–or one of the other 29 apocalyptic cakes in this irreverent cookbook–and indulge in your final days. Each full-color dessert photograph is accompanied by a short hilarious description. That’s all for this week folks, but tune in next Friday for a companion feature on amusing Deaths!